Transitions

Kiddo and Dadi will be flying off in a day's time to HK while I will be stay home. This is the first time that Kiddo is away from me for such a long time. Even though I know she will be in good hands and have lots of fun but I can't help but worry too. Guess time will pass very quickly if I keep myself busy and have lotsa Skype time with her. One more day to flight and I just made Dadi feeling all jittery. I think we are both abit.... What's the word... Hmm I can't even describe it. But I know it has abit of apprehension and fear mixed up with it. The question now is.... To do or not to do? Takes a deep breathe... Not the most ideal of timing but I am glad I told Dadi...

New (old) Car review

We have finally sold the old merz and got a new 2nd hand car over the last weekend. I cant express how relieved i was because i was getting so stressed up driving the merz to and from work especially over the last two weeks. It is scary when you suddenly lose power on the highway, travelling in peak hour traffic, trying to get uphill of the West Gate Bridge. I am just fortunate folks driving here are really patient (of cos, i keep to the left as well) so i dont get honked or flashed at despite dropping from 80km/h till just 40km/h over a distance of less than 1km. If the uphill were any longer, i really think the car would have stalled then and there. So everytime i have to go over that bridge, i make sure i had a good look for the emergency number displayed at the beginning of the bridge because there is no road shoulder to stop at and it is the bl*dy highway.

Anyway... all in all, it would just cost too much to fix the merz (i need to replace the whole throttle body) which, though has been a really good car, is showing its age (circa 1999, C180 classic) and been breaking down every few months or so (expensive parts). Since we are thinking we needed a bigger vehicle, naturally we thought of getting a new car, 2nd-hand one of course. Initially, i had my heart set on either a Toyota Torago or a Kia Carnival (or Grand Carnival). Unfortunately, the Toyota is way over my budget for the type of mileage i was looking at and there were just too many bad reviews for the Kia, the much more economical option. Thankfully i have a responsible hubby that likes to do his homework and he threw up several more options for consideration. Top of that list of options was the Honda Odyessy which i had initially resisted because i wanted something with sliding doors. So after test-driving the Kia, the Honda, the Chrysler (Grand Voyager) and Mitsubishi (Grandis), we pretty much settled for the Honda.

We also decided to go to a 2nd hand dealership rather than going to a private seller because after a few weekends of car searching and bad experiences with some private sellers (one was rude when we wanted more time to consider and the other car turned out to be a written off flood vehicle which was re-registered when we checked at VicRoads), we were ready to spend a bit more money to save ourselves the hassle and greater piece of mind (hopefully). Hence we check in with a dealer instead. Most importantly, the stress of driving the anytime-can-break-down merz was getting to me (i think a major contributing factor to why i fell sick) and i wanted to resolve the car issue once and for all.

So... our new car the 2006 Honda Odyessy Luxury 7seater 2.4L auto...
My thoughts:

Appearance
Pros: Nice purple/grey colour. Well-maintained, comes with roof racks and tow bar.
Cons: Looks like a sedan with an extended bottom.

Compared to other people mover, it doesnt have the most fantastic look. The jeepy look like the Ford Territory etc would look alot sexier, even the Torago (newer models) looks slicker in my opinion. But that said, the Odyessy looks alot of better when you are inside than out. When i am sitting in the driver's seat, i honestly felt like i am in a much bigger car than when i look at it from the outside. That's really saying something because it was unlike the Grandis, which looked big from the outside but feels small on the inside. So even though it looked like a sedan (and not that much taller), i felt a head (or half a head) taller than other sedans on the road with alot of headroom (but maybe that's because i am kinda short so i really bump myself up on the electric-adjustible seat).

All in all though, i am traded off my 'Uncle' car and settled, very comfortably, into the 'Aunty' car. Would of cos love to have a sexy convertible et al, but whenever i am IN the Honda, i am pretty happy.

Handling
Pros: Smooth transmission, sensitive steering, hug the corners well with wide turning circle on the wheel
Cons: A little weak on the torque and 'noisy' engine

On a 2.4L 4 cylinder engine, the Honda actually does very well and is a very good drive. Of course personally, i really love a bit of "kick" (something which Kia does very well with a 6 cylinder) but i am not competing for the F1 so Honda provides sensibility (and fuel economy) for a mommy whose main occupation is chauffeuring the Kiddo and commuting to/from work. The 'noise' was only apparent because i was looking out for it, but really quite negligible especially with the windows up and music blasting. I was also quite surprise at the smooth transmission which on the Grandis, there was a very distinct surge each time the gear change, the Honda was almost silky, even on a slope.

Interior
Pros: Slick dashboard/accessibility, roomy leather seats, plenty of legroom in all 3 rows, great visibility, flexible seats arrangement, storage options
Cons: Plasticky 'woodgrain' pattern, positioning of the gear stick, what-were-they-thinking-off positioning of the anchor points for the carseat, storage options

Like i mentioned before, being inside the Honda really makes me feel like i am inside a bigger car than what you see. I love the visibility all around even though others' have complained about the blindspot being obstructed by the pillar. It didnt bother me as much because firstly, my seat is pretty much moved forward (did i mentioned that i am short?) and the previous owner had install a nifty little blindspot mirror on the sideview mirror. For the passengers, good views for sure, even the sunroof was quite entertaining for the Kiddo ("Mama i can see stars"). The leather seats is a big plus for the 'luxe' factor but i like it because its easy to clean compared to the fabric/carpet type seats. For shorter folks like me, leg room usually isnt much of an issue (but one which even i feel acutely in the old merz) but i think even someone like my Dad would have no complains about when sitting in the 2nd or 3rd row. And with the 3rd row down (i like that it folds down at a touch of a button cos i hate fiddling with levers!) rear storage space is basically a craven. Since it is pretty long, i reckon trips to Ikea transporting furniture wouldnt be a problem anymore.

However, storage can be problematic when the 3rd row seats are up. I reckon we will need to have a pod or a trailer for road trips if there are more than 4 adults plus 1 or 2 kids. I think it would be a bit of a struggle to fit in a full size suitcase (or one of those less-than-slender strollers) at the limited rear storage if all rows are up. There are plenty of nooks scattered around the car but nothing really useful since most are shallow or small. The woodgrain pattern that comes with the Luxury option is supposed to make the interior look classy but i find it rather tacky. It helps that ours is dark grey so its is not as obvious as the mahogany one. The gear takes getting used to but i think its only me because i am used to driving like i am in a manual car (i.e. i like to rest my hand on the gear stick).

And my number 1 pet peeve about the Honda is the anchor points. I mean, what were they thinking? From the 2nd row, i would have to stretch the harness belt all the way to the back onto the points located at the roof (3nd row's points are on the floor at the rear). It really messes up my view on the rear view mirror (esp if you put the carseat in the middle of 2nd row). But imagine sitting on the 3rd row with the carseat's harness stretching pass you. I havent seen it yet but i would think that it must be slightly hazardous. I much prefer the anchor points on the Grand Voyager with its own inbuilt points behind each seat but i heard that they made some changes to the Honda starting from the 2009 model. Ah well... you cant have them all, i guess.

Well, so far so good, for the first 3 days of ownership. Just settled the car insurance today (phew...) and for once, no more stress driving cross the West Gate Bridge on the M1 tomorrow morning! Yay!

Feb 2012

An absense of almost half a year!

During which a few things happened...

- Kiddo turned 3!
- we went from 2011 to 2012!
- we travelled back to SG, did our usual HK/China end of year trip (this time during xmas and new year).
- I started on another job, making me officially working FULL-TIME!

I am sure there must have been some ups and downs during this period of time but for the life of me, i cant remember anything particularly difficult/bad... in fact it seemed pretty good and smooth. Even the job searching wasn't too bad (though the process of interview was abit stressful) and i was quite amazed at how lucky i have been, considering that every single resume that i have ever sent out (not that i sent out many), had all been picked up, selected and been successfully offered the position (though for one, the offer came almost 6 months after the resume was sent). In that aspect, though i do not have a high-flying career, i have been very fortunate so i am very grateful.

Life as a FTWM is turning out to be okie, primarily because i have such a good and supportive partner. If not for him, i doubt i can survive quite so well and worry-free about Kiddo. I think i owe it to him to try to do well, get my registration requirements in place ASAP and hopefully, then be able to free up some time for him to do his stuff in peace.

Well... was going to write more but remember i have more photos i need to catch up on posting for FB (I am so behind in stuff like these!) and then i should devote abit of time to update on Kiddo's blog as well. :/

Learning

Sometimes we forget that learning is a lifelong thing...

Something happened and it looks like i may have to 'learn' something 'learnt' again. But this post is not going to be about that...

It is about children learning and how sometimes i forget the fact that they are learning constantly. From the things they see, the things they hear, the things they weren't meant to see or hear... Sometimes learning is purposeful, and alot of times, it is unintentional (for better or for worse).

And with children, having learnt something doesn't always mean that it's learnt 100% of the time. Sometimes it's because they were distracted. Sometimes it's because they forgot. Or perhaps even that they just cant be bothered to demonstrated what exactly it was that they have learnt. Other times, it may just well be that we have wrongly assumed that they have learnt something but actually, they have not (but convincingly 'bluff' their way through).

How do we tell which is the case, when it comes to children and their learning?

I think it bores down to making alot of observations, linking what we have observed to the knowledge we already have of the child, and trying to be as objective as possible as well as taking into consideration the context and skills required. Which actually is alot more work than people think. That is why, no one really gets it correct all the time because there are just too many components involved. But the more one tries, with practice hopefully one gets better at it?
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Recently i asked Kiddo if she wanted to learn violin or the piano. Her answer was unequivocal "No". But asked if she wanted to learn violin, painting or dancing, her answer would always be "dancing.. like ballerina". My first reaction (which lasted quite a while) was "Oh no..." Strange as it seems, i do not have visions of Kiddo prancing around in little pink tutus and in fact, do not even find kiddos dancing in little tutus cute (apologies to anyone who has kids doing ballet). I have, however, entertained thoughts of Kiddo and I learning violin together (aww.. little kids holding their little violins are so adorable) or perhaps even doing a duet on the piano. But it appears like Kiddo is not very interested in fulfilling Mami's dream.

A couple of times, I thought, "What the heck.. what would a would-be 3yr old know? Let's just sign her up for some music classes and get her interested! She would play the violin soon enough".... But.... let's examine some evidence here first:

- From early toddlerhood, Kiddo would always insist that i play on the piano while she sits on my lap to listen. She has tinkered with the keys once in a while but never really sustained any interest.

- From the time she could walk confidently, she would always rather i play and sing on the piano, while she prances around. Lately, fluttering around with the piano cover, pretending to be a fairy/ballerina.

- At the concert with the Melbourne Symphonic Orchestra which featured some ballet dancers, she was focused on dancing and following the ballerinas and didn't really care much about the musicians or the instruments (She could identify several instruments by their sounds and look but i think that's the extent of her 'ability' and interest).

I guess i am not adversed to letting her join a ballet class for pre-schoolers and see how things go from there. She may not get serious about it as she gets older (interest change) and there's where one of my dilemmas come in... if ballet is not MY interest (or aspiration for her), would i be able to provide some discipline for her to keep her going or just happily let her drop out as and when she wants to because of my lack of interest? At the moment, i am inclined to believe that i would do the latter, and would probably do the former if she were to pick up a musical instrument for example. Knowing the importance of discipline when learning a skill may not be enough to keep Kiddo going (I am being frank here) because i know myself.

As much as i wished that Kiddo will explore and decide what she wants and hopefully enjoy whatever she does... i cant help but realized that alot of that depends on ME (and my own notions of interest/learning/enjoyment). Would being aware of this fact, make me more objective when helping Kiddo pursue what she likes? I certainly hope so! But i am realistic enough to know that my own personality and interests may sometimes come into conflict with my greater aspirations (of myself as a supportive mom)...

Spring

Spring's finally here but it's been cold and wet for most parts. Not really liking the rain but it was nice when the sun is out and we are getting flowers blooming everywhere.

Went to the Royal Melbourne Show for the first time but the weather was quite bad. In fact a thunderstorm caused the show to close early at 5pm. We were lucky to have made it out and on to a train before the rain started to come down heavily. All in all, it was a nice experience... but got to go with a budget in mind and also, pack your own food/drinks because prices were exhorbitant.

Have not been blogging lately. I wanted to write some stuff about parenting and actually had a couple of post in my head. But for some reasons, i should could not get myself sorted. I really have no excuse because it's school holidays now but i guess i am just slacking off.

One of the reasons that i wanted to write about my experiences with parenting was that i had been reading and commenting on a parenting website with regards to defiant children. There were so many parents going on and on about how parents need to show kids who is in charge and also suitable amount of 'physical punishment' is necessary. More than a few had wrote in to said that 'positive' strategies such as time-out etc, just do not work when they tried. A few parents like myself that speak out against spanking etc, got commented that it was unrealistic and the author of that article was lampooned for not having any experiences with children.

I have a few ideas about why perhaps positives strategies do not work when some parents tried it and wanted to pen something down. Perhaps i am just having an 'easy' child and do not feel the 'pain' of these parents... *shrugs* Still, if positive strategies can work, would parents really need to resort to spanking?

Bringing up Baby

Just a couple of weekends ago, i was chit-chatting with a two of my girl-friends about our kids. We were all very similar in that we all came from SG, have only 1 kid and all the kids are roughly the same age (born in the same year) so it is quite natural for us to sometimes revolve our discussions around the kids we have. Anyway.. as we were just sharing updates about our toddlers and basically 'off-loading' (as moms do when they get a break away from being a "mom"), one of them (or was it both) said that I am very lucky because Kiddo is such a good girl and doesnt give much problems. I guess comments like that are not new because I have heard similar comments from relatives and friends, who may not have seen Kiddo much, but get alot of updates/photos etc of her from my FB. However, when i shared that Kiddo is not quite as 'good' or 'problems-free', my girl-friends didnt believe me.

No one believed that Kiddo had thrown tantrums and laid crying facedown on the floor and refused to budge, then get even more upset when her face/floor gets messy with tears and snort.

No one believed that Kiddo would get so cranky that she would ask for one thing and refused the same in exact same breath over and over, till you run out of options of what exactly she could have wanted, and then have her meltdown into a puddle of tears and snort.

No one believed that Kiddo can get so rigid with routines and people that if things don't fall in place according to how things are 'supposed' to be, she absolutely refused to do anything (again another puddle of tears and snort).

No one believed that Kiddo can whine incessantly about something that she wanted at the precise moment that we cant do anything about it (e.g. when i am driving on the car alone with her), till she worked herself up into a frenzy and i needed to find a place to stop the car to calm her down.

No one believed that Kiddo can get so worked up that she could cry till she throws up, sometimes intentionally.

By sharing all these things, i am not trying to show that Kiddo is a little "monster" (yes, there are moms going thru a much tougher time cos' their kids' behaviour are even more difficult) or that I have been trying to hide away her 'bad' points from people all these while. In fact, when she had the opportunity to throw one of such 'fits' infront of people, i pretty much react the same as i would do as if we were alone because i don't mind people seeing or knowing how she behaves.

Kiddo is not perfect and i guess no kid is. But i think the difference is why alot of people think Kiddo is "very good" compared to other children, is because i don't say or 'complain' very much about the stuff i have just shared. And the reason that i dont is because i dont see these issues as "problems" but very much things that children do go through in their process of growing up. Hence i dont dwell very much on them, nor do they cause me to feel upset or frustrated for more than the duration when such things happened (yes, i get frazzled nerves on days too).

I dont know if that type of mindset makes a big difference to how Kiddo develops but i think it certainly make a big difference to me because it allows me to feel in control of situations, to see the lighter side of parenting and alleviate some level of stress when dealing with a tantruming child. Probably some people would think it is easy for me to think like that because i know 'what to do' with children due to my professional work. I admit, yes, on days when Kiddo is being difficult, i find 'retreating' away from Mom-mode, into my professional work frame of mind helped. It meant i could shut off to a certain degree the emotional aspect and be more clinicial/rational in my approach to Kiddo, which in emotionally built-up situations, can be essential when trying to manage an out-of-control child. But, despite whatever experiences i have at work, it is still a different thing when that very out-of-control child who is screaming till she throws up, is your very own (and not someone else's).

There are times when i would be in my 'clinical-mode', sitting next to her as she tantrums, watching out for the moment to intervene and calm her down, and at the same time having doubts about myself, wondering if what i am doing is the right thing and feeling my blood pressure escalating (from frustration, anger, stress etc). But once that episode is over, when i managed to keep my cool and follow through with strategies that i hope will help in the long run, that's it. These situations are just tiny bleeps that has no impact on the fact that i feel tremendously blessed to have Kiddo because there are so many positives that can and ought to be celebrated.

I don't think that i am a fantastic mom or that Kiddo is an exceptional child. But i'd like to think that the relationship between us is something special and exceptional. I don't believe in the idea that some children are just difficult and just grow into difficult adults. I also dont believe that children would 'out-grow' their 'problems' on their own and these early years are just something we shut our eyes/ears to till they become better. I think this is the time for active parenting where one start laying foundations for tools that children can use to help themselves as they grow older. And to do that, it helps to be calm, be optimistic, be positive and be patient.

Of course, I dont have all the answers and strategies but i know i am not helpless either, because together, Kiddo and i, will find a way forward. I trust that she would let me know what she needs and with the bond that we've built, i would be able to understand what she means. At the end of the day, hopefully she will grow into her own little person happily and i can age gracefully with fewer white hairs and worry-wrinkles.

I almost forgot...

I turned 35 on 1st of March.

Bdays are becoming less and less of an affair as years passed...

No fan-fare, no presents, no birthday candles (i did have the mudcake from safeway) and no party. I did get a nice bday card though.

I guess that's alright... :)

Any birthday wishes? Nope!

First thoughts

New year and after almost 2 months of being in SG, I will be going back to Melb again in a week's time. It seems like that I have been in SG for a long time, in between there was that trip to Japan, but still, I think I am almost 'acclimatized' to SG and now I will have to leave again.

I remembered that each time coming back, there was always that period of 'adjustment' for me. Trying to get use to being "home". Unlike hubs, it is harder for me to say that SG is home or Melb is (for him, it is HOME when he is back in SG). Most time I would refer to going back to Melb as going "home". But after spending a longer time back here in SG, it is easy to start thinking of here as "home" again.

I am not sure if I like this ping-pong feeling.

For the most part, as much as I enjoy coming back to SG and seeing friends etc, I do miss the quiet and solitude of Melb. We don't do much there and my life pretty much just revolves around Kiddo and hubs. Some will feel that it is pretty boring but perhaps that's how I am. A pretty boring person. Staying in SG inevitably meant a lot of need to fulfil obligations, to do the 'social' things (not of my own wishes) and subjecting myself to meet other people's wishes and demands. Of cos' there is also there fact that we are staying with my parents, which is not all a bad thing, but given some time, some friction tend to occur between my mom and I, sparked off by our volatile tempers. In instances like these, I think longingly of our own little space many kms away in another continent.

I guess I am an escapist. I am never good with meeting others' expectations anyway.

Still, there are going to be things and people i miss here. But I am not sure accumulatively, they add up to make it worthwhile for me to want to stay in SG. Every time i come back, we are always asked when we will move back to SG. To alot of people, we (or rather hubs) have always made it clear that it was just for a duration of time and we would definitely be back (say in a 2-3yrs?). For me, each time, it becomes a little harder for me to say that we will _definitely_ be back... because, I am not sure I really want to.

No... I am not saying that I want to live in Melb forever either. Just that, I become less sure of my place here in SG and bringing up Kiddo here. As she grows older, I cant help but look at the other kids her age and what they are doing (or put to doing) in SG and compare that to Melb. To be frank, I am afraid of the kind of parenting and kids' experiences happening around which I've observed here. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with what parents are doing here, well, nothing wrong given the circumstances parents are subjected to here. But, still, I am afraid. The acceleration of kids' development. The focus on results and value. The huge amount of finances it appeared that parents devote to the kids (happily or otherwise). The inevitable competition (consciously or unconsciously). Without meaning to, perhaps, there seems to be a great focus on materials and time. Everything happens so quickly. Children seems to grow so quickly and yet not fast enough for some. It seems to have gotten to a point that everything looked so stressful (for adults and children) BUT they no longer seem to feel it. I guess children wouldn't know what stress is if they have always grown up with it (till they reach breaking point and that's the dangerously thing, becos' you get few warning signs since the built up is not gradual). And for the adults, either they dont see it, or chooses to close an eye to it (becos' it is reality.. becos' that's what kids' need to learn to survive here..) so they convince themselves that it is good for the kids and that kids enjoy it.

Maybe they do. But would who is on the look out for that tip over the pinnacle? Would we even recognize it? Perhaps i am under-estimating how resilient children can be but my concern is, do we know how much we push the kids when they themselves may not have the ability to let us know? Sometimes i see parents not recognizing the low-level responses (indicative of stress) in their own children. Not becos they don't want to, but becos they dont know how. To recognize those tell-tale signs, one would really need to know the child well (spending alot of quality time to gether, going through problems, letting child problem solve, observing their thought processes, their behaviours when faced with difficulties, coping mechanism they have etc etc). It sounds clinical but all parents can learn this... but you need the time to do so. But where does one find the time when the child spent most of his/her time in childcare, enrichment classes, tuition.. interacting with teachers, helpers, other caregivers and tutors?

I could be just pessimistic and overly concern about nothing. Perhaps alot of children grow up pretty fine (as someone keep reminding me "We also grow up like that what... and we are ok"). But still, it doesnt mean that I agree or is comfortable with the circumstances that children are growing up with here. As much as parental values play a part, one cannot underestimate the environmental impact since kids do not grow up in isolation. You got to work with what you have. As much as things are so 'developed' and 'advance' here, things are far from perfect in my view.

My feelings with regards to these as been a source of contention between hubs and I. I am not sure who is right... and sometimes i feel that we are just not talking on the same page. Yet, I feel that it is something we should work out soon... as Kiddo is growing and time passes quickly.

End of 2010

It's been a couple of months since i've blogged. Guess life just sort of take over. Occasionally, something will pop into my head and i toyed with the idea of blogging it down, yet despite being constantly online, i just didn't find that time to.

Before i know it... it will be the end of the year in a few days.

Quite a lot of things have happened in the last 2 months, some nice, some not.

One of the good thing is that i've gotten a job the minute i came back in end Oct. It was the same school that i've interviewed with and i started work as a 'counsellor' (in reality, my job is like the psychologist, which they cant address me as such becos of the registration issues.. oh well, that's another story for another day). I started work on 1st of Nov for 3 days a week. It was pretty short notice but the school wanted me to start familiarizing myself in the last few weeks before end of term so that i could start proper in 2011. Good thing that Wilk 's school term was over for this semester and he could help mind Avery till my school term end in Dec.

It was good to be back working with children with Autism. Things are quite different here. There are pros and cons of cos. The thing i liked best was working part-time (3 days/wk) which gives me time to still be with Avery and yet drawing a fairly good income. Till now, i am still amaze how my net monthly income is almost equivalent to my gross income i got back in SG. But in SG i was working full time, with longer hours and more responsibilities. Here, i start work at 8.30am and ends at 4pm. By the time i get home, it is still bright and sunny for me to bring Avery out. And i do not need to work during school holidays. Employee benefits are also good here. I can apply for sick leave without having to provide MC if less than 3 days continously. I get paid in lieu of unclaim leave (even MCs) at the end of the year.

In general, employees have more rights and we have a strong union advocating for us. For the same type of job, in SG i am working for a VWO which is like charity, while here, i am under the Dept of Early Childhood and Education (special schools are under their provision, just like mainstream schools). Which makes me a civil servant and all salary/benefits are standard across the whole of Victoria. If i were to work full time, i would be drawing at least double of what i am earning back home, even after tax (pay scale, increment are all transparent and shown on their official website).

On the not so positive side, my area of work is not as 'developed' here. There's only one other psychologist there who is also working part time. For the longest time, there was only one locum psych who came in once a week, between two campus. So the management doesnt really quite know what the psychologist should be doing. If i look at the positives, i am free to draw up my own job description, my own case load, my own SOPs. I am left alone to do what i want to do. I can see as many (or as little) children as i can. Perhaps which is why they wanted me in the job, because of my experience, i guess i can help to craft out how this job ought to be done. The management is pretty impressed with my experience, so despite not having the registration (yet), they got me in through another 'pretext'. I think there is alot that i can offer here (which is good) but this is tough, even for someone as experience das i am. The other psychologist has been really good and becos she has not been working with ASD kids like i have (she came from mental health), was really eager to work with me. In any case, i am quite geared up for 2011, there's quite alot of things i want to try here, and between me and my colleague, perhaps craft out a real psych dept and perhaps do a bit of training for the teachers to get them looking at ASD differently. Now that i got my contract for 2011, i am looking forward to starting work in 1st March when i come back from SG (will be starting 1mth later cos sch term is from 4th of Feb but trip home was already arranged).

Now for the not so good part of 2010...

After our trip to China in Oct, i got news about my paternal grandma being seriously ill and hospitalized. At 95, it was highly unlikely that she would recover so when my brother called with the news, we took kiddo and flew back to China on a short notice, barely 3wks after we came back to Melb. Ah Mah was already in a sort of coma by the time i got there. Doctors said that there is really nothing that they could do to 'cure' her... so we were just sustaining her just so that her family (or whoever cared to) could get there to say their final goodbyes. In the very end, not alot of her own children turned up. She had 10 children in all, but other than my father, only 1 uncle and 1 aunt (and her husband) came. No other children, grandchildren other than me and my brothers were there at her funeral.

Truth to be told, it was probably not as easy for some to come (no passport, no visa, no children to help) but there are also those who state adamantly that if Ah Mah was going to pass on, not to bother them with the news. In a way, it is sort of a relief that Ah Mah was quite senile in her later years so probably cant remember any of them anyway. At the end, i guess it only matters for those who care to be around.

That my paternal family has a closetful of issues is not big secret. In fact, there was really no reason for our family to be 'close' to the paternal side of the family. Injustice, nasty words, accusations... all that had happened to our family had made some of us felt that there is no love lost even if Ah Mah pass away. My dad shouldered the care for Ah Mah by bringing her with him to China when all other children has all but abandoned her at the old folks home. It has always been about money and more money with the rest. Unlike my maternal grandma, Ah Mah hasnt really been much of a grandma to us.. and even less of a mom to my dad.

I remember one of my brothers asking why i bothered flying back to China when news of Ah Mah reached me. After all, i am all the way away in Melb... if all the other children cant bother to be there, why me, a grandchild that Ah Mah hardly cared about or remember, bother being there? And if one really think about it, it does seem that I shouldn't have bothered. After all, I wasn't there for my Popo's funeral when she passed away in 2000, so why for Ah Mah. In all honesty, it wasn't for love or even respect for Ah Mah. When I couldn't be there for Popo's funeral, i felt extremely guilty even though i was all the way in London then completing my Masters' thesis. I felt guilty not just because i wasn't there for my mom, but also for being quite a rotten granddaughter. Growing up with Popo, i am ashamed to say that i have been quite cruel and nasty to the old lady. Popo was very alike in terms of temper with my mom. She cared for all of us when Ah Mah didnt, but i never liked her because to me then, she always have a way of talking downto me that was both sarcastic and vulgar. Of cos, when i grew older (and she got older), i understood that that's her personality and she was a remarkable woman who single-handedly brought up 5 children.

Still, there was no excuse for some of the things i said and done, even if i was only 14-15 then. For the next couple of years, she stayed with my uncle and i saw her less... and when she passed away, i was 24, away in London. It was not easy admitting to all these, teenage follies? Well, the guilt is there, and always will be. But i guess that's mine to bear and i think i have pass the stage of ever justifying myself to anyone or even to seek for forgiveness. But it is different for Ah Mah. I think if i did not return to China to see her for the last time, i would feel sad because while she did not know us very much, she wasn't a nasty grandma to us. However, i wouldnt have that same type of guilt that i have for Popo's funeral... so why?

For one.. and most importantly, my dad. I wanted to be there for HIM. My dad is not one who will complain or even share his feelings. But i know despite all that Ah Mah and his siblings have put him through, he loves his mom. And for that, i have tremendous respect for my dad. And i felt that, in this time, more than any other time, we, as his children, should stand by him and give him our support. I know he would never ask it of us, his children, to be there. I remembered the times when my mom would remind us to be polite or nice to this uncle or that aunt despite us having the greatest aversion to them for being so horrible. Yet, my dad has never forced us or even reprimanded us when we don't give 'face' to his siblings. When i got married, i did not invite any of those uncles and aunts despite knowing my dad probably wished to. But, not once, has my dad shown me any unhappiness or told me off about it. But i think, this time, for all the other times that i didnt give thoughts to how he felt, i really wanted to be there.

My dad is 62 this year and no matter what he went through, it cant have been easy for one to lose their parent. He would never say it but i'd like to think that he appreciated that all his children and his only grandchild was there for him when it matters. I'd like to think that we have helped shouldered some of his burden during that time and perhaps brought him some comfort. I know he took quite a lot of comfort with Avery there, his only grandchild. Each time after visiting Ah Mah, my dad would become really quiet (if you asked, he would say he is okie), but i noticed he would spend alot of time immediately after with Avery, hugging her and talking to her. And that would bring a smile back on his face. I know that there was really not much that i did, aside from sorting out the funeral arrangement with my youngest brother but the most impt thing was perhaps bringing Avery back with him to be with my dad.

At the end of the day, it was worth that 14 hr trip to China, with a toddler in tow. I am grateful that Wilk made the decision to bring Avery along with me (i thought of going alone). And at the end of the day, i found that i wasn't angry with Ah Mah for the past, and in fact, even with any of the uncles or aunts. Now that i am older, i realize, grudges are really inconsequential. What does it all matter in the end? All that money or accusations? So Ah Mah didn't do her part as a mom or grandma.. so my uncles and aunts were ungrateful and horrible... at the end of the day, they are still my dad's family and by extension, mine. Does that mean i would forget the past? I dont think so... but i think can choose to forgive them if my dad does. I know my brother do not feel the way i do. I don't blame him and i can't judge him for i understood the reasons. But i've to respect the fact that my dad still see them as his family and hence, because i love and respect my dad, i will strive to see them as mine and at the very least, be civil.

So we come to the end of 2010... I've gained a job, found my footing in the country which i've stepped into just 1 and half years back, and have a lovely daughter and husband. I've lost a grandma and my dad has lost his only living parent, but hopefully understand that his own family would be there for him in his years, unlike his own mother and her own children. And as we grow older, us with parents still living, children coming onto their own, i'd like to remind myself that family, love, respect, patience and.. forgiveness, are things not to be taken for granted. And if we possesses them, learn and remember to treasure them.

Back from "Holiday"

Spent 5 weeks in HK, Humen and Shanghai with the family and finally we are back in Melbourne again.

A few thoughts:

- Lovely to see how well Kiddo adjusted to different places and seems to enjoyed herself. She has become even more vocal and i think it is because of the 'stimulation' the trip has provided. She is always surrounded by loved ones giving her attention and talking to her. However, we also noticed that she is also now more fearful of strangers and take a longer time to warm up to people she has not met. But once she warms up, she is chatty and interactive again.

- Kiddo has also picked up quite a bit of Mandarin on our trip. I insist that everyone speaks to her in Mandarin and typically she is able to reply in Mandarin as well. She has also learnt a few Mandarin songs (from the adults around her and watching CCTV). She is particular entranced with Mandarin Operas ever since our visit to HK museum where they had a display of Opera singers (with piped in opera singing). On mornings when she was cranky, the only thing that cheered her up was turning on to CCTV 11 where there was usually some chinese opera going on. She calls it the "Ah ah AH" (with similar intonation).

- Realized from the trip that Wilkie much preferred that type of hustle-bustle lifestyle of HK/Shanghai etc.. And sadly, after a while, i was very much clamouring to come back to Melb for some peace and quiet. In fact, i was rather disappointed when we push back our return for another week. Of cos, i am happy to be around my folks and brothers, having no housework to do and ready meals on the table (good homecook food that my mom's helpers prepared, things that i love to eat, nice meals outside like sashimi and roast goose) but, i didnt quite enjoy the chaos, the noise and the pollution.

- I did not buy a single thing for myself throughout the trip, despite our brimming luggage and 6-7boxes still left in China awaiting freight. They are mainly Wilkie's fish/shrimp online business stuff, materials for making more of his creations and Kiddo's stuff. Even Wilkie, who didnt really shop, got himself two new sling bags. Me.. zilch. Sigh...

- It was nice spending time with my brothers respectively in HK and Humen. Had a few occasions where we had some level of 'heart to heart' (why i say some level? cos you know brothers aint gonna let their SISTER in fully on what's really going on) talk. Attempted to bridge some gaps and hopefully it works.

- Good to see my folks again, esp my dad. My mom looks fine and seems to be not as obsessive abt her 'condition' but my dad looked really tired and i think could do with some attention from my bros.

- Had a pretty nice time travelling this time to Shanghai, with my folks and also the helpers, Kaka Ann and Yati. Much better than the other trip we made with my folks and their friends to Guilin. They had been really helpful and when we went for the toy expo, Kiddo had a field day spending it alone with the grandfolks who taught her two impt phrases: 玩具 and 买东西.

- Managed to catch up with an ex colleague and her family at Disneyland in HK. Spent a wonderful day with Grace, Colin and Natty nat. Glad that Kiddo made a new friend and got reacquainted with Disneyland again. Must say that she enjoyed herself more this time round, probably cos she is more aware of what's happening. Nowadays, she is quite fond of watching the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse series, alas, which is not showing on aussie tv.

That's just some stuff off the top of my head regarding the trip. Coming back and settling down is alot easier now.. lesser 'homesick' pangs cos i am actually looking forward to coming home to Melb. Not much 'adjustment' was needed, just busy with unpacking and doing the chores after 5 wks of absence (lotsa dust bunnies!). The big excitment abt being back is actually getting the news that the school which interviewed me (and was waiting for me to get my registration in 3 mths time) actually wanted me to start work ASAP. The principal tried to reach me last week not knowing that i have delayed my return. I originally thought she was just going to tell me that they wont be able to wait for me and will start interviewing other candidates. Instead she said, after i was gone, the panel decided that to work around the 'registration' issue, they would just give me a title of a "counsellor" but in essence, with same job scope/pay. The contract would be for 3 mths, after which, hopefully i would get my registration and a new contract would be drawn up for "psychologist".

Of cos i was quite happy with the news. The principal thought that when she couldnt reach me that i wasnt interested in the job or have found something else. So when she heard that i have not, proceeded to strike while iron is hot, sent me the contract the next day and ask me to start next monday. So at the moment, i will be looking at going back to work for 3 days a week, starting monday. Quite amazing how quick things seems to happen.. and i felt more than a little overwhelmed. I think i accepted the job without much thought (i didnt really think!) but when i accepted it, i suddenly realized how momentuous this could be. That means i will not be with Kiddo 3 days a week and Wilkie will have to take care of her, on top of writing his thesis and doing his online business. I felt quite bad but he has been really supportive so i am quite glad. But still, i have not fully grapple with how Kiddo will cope without me at home (or how i would cope being away from her after 23mths)!

Guess things are just moving along faster than i anticipated and i dont really have much time to consider the "what ifs". I guess if it doesnt work out, i can always fall back on staying at home again. It also struck me that Kiddo is growing up fast and even if i am not working, she may have to start sch/childcare soon beginning next year so perhaps it is better this way, for her to get used to me not being always there and learning to cope with being with only her Dadi... Sigh.. Let's just hope for the best bah!

And the result is...

I got the job!

The principal called today and said they are really impressed with me at the interview, and the range of my experiences and skills. The psychologist there in particular (according to the principal) is really eager to work with me.

BUT...

At the moment, i cant go thru registration. Not till APS assess my qualifications and gives me a statement of standing for my certs. And that takes close to 8wks to complete. The lady over the phone was very helpful but there is nothing much she can do. However, she was willing to allow me to send me some of the documentation first while waiting for some other required documents (certified pages of my thesis which is still in SG - thankfully a friend is helpful enough to try find it in my room and courier it to me) even though typically they wouldnt accept the application in piecemeal. That is because i told her i have received a job offer and would like to complete the process ASAP.

So.. how do i feel?

For one, i am really happy. I mean i felt really lucky... i know of alot of friends (hub included) who had look through countless adverts, sent out countless resumes and not get a positive response. Here i am, in a seemingly "effortless" way, got a job just by sending out my first ever resume here, followed by a quick response for an interview which went exceedingly well. The whole registration hooha is the stone around my neck that is keeping me anchored to reality and prevent this whole experience from becoming surreal and 'miraculous'.

Now i felt pretty unlucky.. it is like something has happened to send me flying through the roof and then just as suddenly, send me crashing straight to the ground. Look at it this way.. i am offered my 'dream' job BUT i may possibly not be able to take it up. I am on a knife edge and feeling dreadfully jittery. Wilkie is adamant that i should just feel happy and take it one step at a time, following through with the due process. Of cos, i understand that but my heart keeps going up and down because i am occupied with the thoughts that i could be on a fool's errand and if i get too happy with the job offer, if in the end i don't get it (either cos the sch cant wait.. or the registration dont get thru..), i am going to feel devastated. And i wont know what happens until 3-4mths down the road! That is too long a time to keep my heart yo-yoing....

And with so much feelings being bounced around inside me... i realized i havent had time to stop to think what it really means to be working (and leaving kiddo!). I want to take some time to tackle that aspect of what's happening BUT yet, i dont want to go into making mental preparations abt it AS IF i am going to start work and in the end, nothing pans out. SIGH! Tell me.. am i thinking too much?

Post-Interview

Interview went well.

And the corny thing is... despite how well the interview went and how interested they are in me (and vice versa), i am 99.9% sure that i am going to kiss the job goodbye.

Why?

1) Misinformation from AHPRA (australian health practitioner regulating authority - something like that)

During enquiry prior to going for the interview, person at AHPRA told me that i do not need to get my qualifications assessed by the APS (Australian Psych Society) and process should take 6-8wks. Went down to the AHPRA office today, only to be told that i DO need to get my qualifications assessed, without that piece of assessment paper from APS, i can't register. And assessment takes 6-8wks as well (all in all, it could FOUR months before i can get registration - that is IF they will approve my application ... all that non-refundable money!!)

IF i have known that, i would have told the school about this so that perhaps from the onset, they will just let me know that they cant wait for 4 mths (who will??) and i dont even need to go (prepare) for the interview (new clothes and all..). Major, MAJOR disappointment.

Then with the APS assessment, i will need to provide certified true copies of pages from my thesis which i wrote 10years ago. That said thesis is now currently residing (collecting dust) somewhere in my room.. in SINGAPORE. What? Transcript and certs not good enough meh? Why need to see the title/abstract/biblo pages of a 10yr old thesis?!

2) My own stupidity

Have to admit that i should have the foresight to get all these done before coming here. Actually i HAD the foresight, i just chose to ignore it. I saw all the processes and stuff (and this is the most important part, MONEY) required and decided that heck, i am not goint to throw in time, effort and money into something that will not guarantee my success in registering as a psychologist in Oz. I will just find something similar to do based on my experience working with ASD kids (and there ARE options) without having to be a 'psychologist'. It was a conscious and thought-out choice i made then. I had just given birth, trying to apply for PRs for hub and kiddo, dealing with a new baby, going back to work and finally packing up and shipping out of SG... so going through the hassle of just having that chance of being registered as psych just wasn't my priority then. Shrug. It wasn't like i needed that done for skill-assessment migration purposes since i am already a PR.

Sigh...

Perhaps life is just telling me that this is not a path to pursue further and just move on to other things.

5 years married

Happy Anniversay Hub!

Sorry that it wasn't quite the anniversary we were hoping for (we werent hoping for much to begin with! just a quick submission of papers and then off to have a nice walk and dinner).. ended spending so much time trying to sort out my stuff and then you had to watch a grumpy me for the rest of the day, trying to make myself feel better with sushi (and that spoilt my appetite for dinner!).

So so sorry...

Thank you for trying to cheer me up with dessert and making me supper (and washing up!). I know you have been really encouraging about the job and registration thingy... i wish i have your attitude! Thanks for being there for me...

So.. it is not quite a romantic anniversary but we got to spend the day together... having a nice walk outdoors with Kiddo... and just chilling... I think it doesn't get better than this...

Gambette! Year 6 here we go!!

Interview

This has come as sort of a surprise but i am going for a job interview tomorrow morning (make it later in the morning).

I was not actively looking for a job actually but 2 weeks ago, wilk sent me an advert from Seek.com which was a Autism school looking for a part-time educational psychologist. Because i wasn't really thinking of going to work, i only read the advert like a day or two later. However, when i read through the job scope and key selection criteria, the job sounded like something right up my alley. The nature of the job is very very similar to the work that i have done in SG and I felt i met every one of the key selection criteria listed. I find myself getting abit excited because it seems to meet every one of my needs IF i was looking for a job. It is a part time position (so i can still take care of Avery), the pay is more than decent (more than what i was paid), the job is something i am familiar with and i believe my previous work experience will definitely be value-adding. In short, i have a strong feeling that i will get positive response if i try for the post.

So, i redid my resume (its been a while since i written one), wrote my responses to the key selection criteria, my cover letter and sent them in through Seek. Within 2 days, i got a called back for an interview. However, there was a slight glitch then as the principal asked if i am registered as a psychologist in Oz... And i wasn't (well, i sort of knew this may come up but i decided to send in my resume anyway... try try mah). Anyway, because the position is for an educational psychologist, Oz law requires all psychologists to be registered with the national board of psychologist (AHPRA) which comes under a central governing body that regulates all health (and allied health) workers. This is to maintain accountability to the public in terms of service delivery and standards. This was something that i knew at the back of my head before i came but because i was dealing with quite a lot of issues before coming to Oz (e.g. being preggie, having a kid, organizing a move etc), i just put the whole registration onto the backburner (plus the fact is the whole application process cost alot of $$). I figured i may just find some other job that doesnt require me to be a psych (something like autism consultant or therapist...) then this job came up.

Initially, the principal asked me to check to see if i could get registered and after alot of phone calls to AHPRA about their registration process and making sense of the application, i found out that it may take 6-8wks (no guarantees that it will be approved). Understandably, i didnt think that the school is going to interview someone whom they may have to wait 8wks for (and for all they know, wont get the approval for registration). I called the principal back and told her about my situation and she said she would talk to her selection panel about it. I took it that it meant that's it... so i was pleasantly surprised that she called again the next day to invite me for an interview. She and the panel felt that i am very experienced and they are really interested to speak to me despite my lack of registration. And if everything goes well at the interview and i am their best candidate, they are willing to work around that 6-8wk wait. I must say, i am quite happy to hear that... it is nice that there are people who felt that i have experiences that they need. Quite confidence boosting actually. So there we go.. i will be going for the interview later in the morning. Even went to get new clothes and shoes cos i realized that i dont have any formal workwear and shoes (only tshirt and trainers) as i left them all back in SG (like i said, i wasnt planning to go back to work till Avery is settled in childcare)...

Of cos that doesnt mean i will actually get the job. After all, there may be people who is more suited to the job than me (local experience, registered psych already etc) but i am more than willing to give my best at the interview and see how it all pans out. I am not so worried about the interview itself, i have enough confidence about my ability for the job but my nagging worry is if the psych board will actually approve my application. For one, i am not locally trained and two, my MA was a reseach based one, and not clinical. However, i do make up enough of clinical supervision hours in my previous job to warrant at least a specialized registration. I am prepared to go state my case but really, it all bores down to the board of psych here in Oz. I guess even if the job don't work out, i am really hoping that the registration will get approved. For one, it will widen my possibility of potential work, and two, the application fees is a hefty A$490 non-refundable charge (and that's not inclusive of the A$390 registration fee and possible A$890 for my papers to be accredited if necessary)!

Sigh.. like alot of people said, it is only money.. can always earn back. I know if i can get it, it will be really helpful for when i start looking for job (if this one dont work out). So hoping for the best! Wish me luck!

Being a Mom (and a kiasu one at that)

I have been reading lotsa forums since beginning my life as a SAHM (sitting infront of the computer doing something 'non-child' related helps to keep my life in 'balance'.. sort of..). One of them is kiasuparents.com.

I know... kiasu parents have a .com... and how could they not? In this information-laden age, internet is where things are AT. Most of the issues talked about in the forums are very 'SG-centric' and more than once, i felt genuinely RELIEVED that i am physically away from the issues faced by modern day Sporean parents (from comparing curriculum of preschool to sourcing the most effective way in bringing up brainy kids). At the very least, i am not residing in an environment where i am surrounded (at least physically.. but emotionally and mentally is another story) by people who are preoccupied with such issues, hence i guess it is easier for me to ignore them.

Still... does that make me a NOT kiasu parent?

Like i said, information travels these days and i AM looking through numerous posts on kiasuparents.com... Can i not be? Especially since there is a possibility that we will all go back to that... someday? Yes.. i do worry.. that Kiddo will be wholly 'unprepared', 'uninitiated' and 'cant catch up' with a whole generation of 'well-prepared' peers in a few years time. While her peers may be doing dictation at 4-5yr old, she could be still running around creating a mess in the preschool in Melb. God knows how 'far behind' she may be if we have to go back then for her to start official schooling in SG. I gave serious thought of "preparing" her for going back to SG.

Not just that, even now I note her progress and blogs them down, add them onto my 'Circle of Mom' thingy on Facebook. I tweet about what she can do and adds them to my FB status. Sometimes, i can't help myself but look through the lists of milestones and try to evaluate how much she has achieved, then talk to the Hub about them. I have to confess, i have even secretly harboured hopes that perhaps Kiddo is 'gifted' only to seriously whack myself left right and centre about being going overboard.

But the crux is, i am dying NOT to be a kiasu parent. I don't want to have to 'compete' and 'compare' then worry... But, it is tough not to some times... especially when people ask me what can Kiddo do now (family are the worse offenders!). In fact, i wouldnt and dont ask other people with kids that question becos i think it's rude and set up unnecessary platform for comparisons. I dont want to appear to be 'boasting' if i say that Kiddo can do certain things and dont want to feel stress if Kiddo cant do certain things.

And in a weird way, being so conscious of not wanting to appear KS and worrying abt being competitive, i have started to downplay some of the 'achievements' Kiddo has made when others praise her. And then, it hits me... i am acting like the type of parents which i said i did not want to be either. The traditional sort (like what i grew up with), that doesnt seem to think that their kids are doing anything well (even if they are, cos it wouldnt appear modest) and make disparaging remarks about what they can do to other people.

It is a damn fine line.

I want to sing out praises of my own kid but don't want others to think i am trying to compete with them.

So how? I have to constantly 'ground' myself and focus on what's infront of me, and to ignore the things i read, the questions i get, the internal comparisons that creeps up from time to time. To love what i have in Kiddo, to appreciate her good health, to embrace her achievements and to accept her challenges. To not overthink what i should say or appear to other people and just enjoy all i have in her. To not overworry about what the future may hold for her even if we may go back one day. To let HER show us the way instead of worrying how should i strike out a path for her.

It all goes back to Kiddo actually. Happiness lies in her being happy and healthy...

I guess i just got to stop second-guessing myself, worrying abt being this or that... and stop reading forums for a bit. :)